


Be yourself, until you bleed

by Paradoxides



Category: Lucifer (Comic), Lucifer (TV)
Genre: F/M, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I thought you'd be blond, Major Character Undeath, Tea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 12:09:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18073148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paradoxides/pseuds/Paradoxides
Summary: He gave up the power to shape the universe, and almost lost himself. Elaine supplies tea.





	Be yourself, until you bleed

Lucifer burst through a wall, wincing as his skinned knuckles complained, and spluttering indelicately through the cloud of plaster dust. She was hot on his heels, the detective, swimming in his slipstream, brandishing a pistol in one hand and a flashlight in the other.

Ahead of them a door slammed. In the dark warehouse - if there had been any observers but the rats scampering away - it would have been relatively easy to see what the stumbling man ahead had been fleeing from.

Two points of red light in a pale face, framed by darkness, and an aura of barely contained existential fury.

The detective caught up to him and put a placating hand on his arm.

'A cupboard,' she said in a low voice, jerking her chin to indicate the door ahead of them. 'No point tearing the door down, he's got nowhere to go.'

Electrical cupboard  
Warning: 10,000v  
Risk of death

Lucifer narrowed his eyes, and his lips curved in an unpleasant smile. 'Right you are, detective. No point rushing this when we can have a little fun with our... miscreant.'

She rolled her eyes and huffed. 'Get behind me, Lucifer. And no staring at my ass, I need you to focus.'

He looked at her, and paused for a split second longer than necessary. Then he licked his lips and complied with a slight mocking bow.

She raised the gun. The world exploded.

....

Elaine found that the universe ran itself, mostly. The omniscience thing was really too much trouble. Why bother, if one isn't going to change anything anyway? The previous incumbent had his Plan so foresight was a given. She and Lucifer (mostly Lucifer) had blithely derailed the Plan completely, so calculating all possible actions and interactions of everything everywhere in order to see ahead more than a few minutes just seemed utterly pointless, and a massive headache. Oh, now and then she was goaded into deflecting a few asteroids away from inhabited planets and occasionally teased nebulae into amusing shapes, but nothing serious. Nothing too interfere-y. She spent much of the time in a state of dispersal, cozily intertwined with every atom in existence, experiencing and connected as though in a dream. 

A tricky state to maintain, as an ex-sixteen year old schoolgirl, without losing one's sense of self. It was far too tempting to look for her old friends, her tribe, focus in on the details of their lives and want to make things right for them, but such a bad idea in every way. Dispersing for a while helped to ease the urges, until the temptation was gone, at some un-predetermined time in the future. Until they were... dead. 

Ouch. A heavy obligation that Lucifer had demanded from her, when he'd taught her all about universes and such. When he'd haughtily declined his father's will that he inherit it all, and passed it over to his naive young niece in favour of quitting existence. Or just this universe. She was a bit hazy on the details.

She had, as a concession of sorts, attached a sort of thread to each person. Sort of a tracker. Not really like either of those things, but if something dire were to happen to anyone she personally cared about (as Elaine Belloc - as God she obviously cared about everyone) it would sort of tug at the back of her mind and she might go and have a quick look. Just to be certain. 

Out of all of them one was on her mind the most, probably, even more than her father. She could have made another Lucifer, or another Michael, with extreme ease but it wouldn't have felt right. Disrespectful to the point of being sacreligious, even. Being God didn't change that.

Elaine shifted on the sun lounger, currently inhabiting a bubble dimension in a sunny garden in Islington, London. Around her, hazy and silent but for birdsong, three young children threw a softball for a yellow puppy that sniffed curiously then completely avoided an apparently empty patch of air in the middle of their garden. To spoil the effect, and give Elaine a slight metaphysical headache, two of the children immediately ran straight through her.

She winced again as a thread gave a sharp tweak.

She sighted along the line. It was unfamiliar, and the soul at the end of it was fizzling and spitting, like a candle flame guttering out. Had she placed it wrong? Had she, Elaine wondered with a strong twinge of guilt, forgotten someone? Whoever it was was on a pretty fast track to the afterlife.

She snatched them as they pinged past her, and set them - him - down gently on a second wooden chair, hastily stuffed with cushions. 

Perhaps she had got this one wrong after all. He strongly resembled someone, if she squinted and ignored the hair, eyes, stubble and tan. There was some kind of power present, a faint angelic aura, so perhaps he had been like her - a mix of human and angel. Nice suit, too.

His eyelids fluttered, and he brought a hand up to rub at them. He stared at her blearily through smudged black eyeliner. 

'Tea?' She asked brightly. Damn, the resemblance tugged at her heart. But surely Lucifer had been utterly disinclined, even violently opposed, to the idea of procreation. He didn't even have the right bits, apparently. So she'd heard.

'You're British,' he said accusingly, after a pause for some kind of mental readjustment.

She gave him an impish smile. 'Did the accent give me away?'

'No,' he said, still frowning. 'The tea. Haven't had a decent cup in yonks. They all insist on microwaving it with the bag in.'

She poured him out a cup, suppressing an un-Godlike shudder. 'Barbaric.'

He nodded, and took the cup from her delicately. The fragrant bergamot appeared to help him find some centre of calm, and he inhaled deeply several times before finally turning to face her directly.

Elaine preempted him. 'I'll be honest,' she said. 'I'm not sure who you are, exactly. You remind me of someone I used to know-'

'Lucifer Morningstar,' he interrupted her. 'Delighted, at your service, et cetera, thank you ever so much for the tea, but I have a pressing matter to attend to and I'm afraid I really can't stick around to chin wag...' he trailed off. 'What? Is there something on my face?'

Lucifer?

In utter shock, she reached for him with her metaphysical fingers and rifled through his being for the truth. 

Several short years' worth of memories tangled up in tatters of powers ancient and unkind; a vast, dark, yawning trench. Peering closer, she winced at glimpses of ugly obscenities wreathed in chains, snarling and struggling as they faded in and out of sight. A gleaming mote of light brushed against her as it ascended to the surface; a tiny iota of compassion, forged in that vast, inhuman depth. There were others, too, so small but so important, rising to join the thin atmosphere of light at the surface. 

'If you've quite finished fingering me?' he cut in abruptly. His eyes were a shocking red, flashing with indignation as Elaine pulled back. 

So... not human, not in the slightest. Demons had no souls, so. Angel, then. Could he really be...?

He didn't remember her. Had no more than a handful of years of memories, almost no power, and a vast, yawning chasm in his soul. What in the actual Hell, excuse her French?

'Who in Dad's bloody name do you think you are?' he demanded. Clenched his fists and glared.

Damn, those micro expressions, so painfully human-seeming she could cry. Her uncle Lucifer had a repertoire of maybe three facial expressions; stone cold, haughty, and furious, but his motives and intentions were unchanging and eternal. This man, wearing his heart raw on his tailored sleeve, was a stranger. Unreadable even as he was highly expressive. 

Wait... Dad?

How was this hollow angel be unaware that his creator was gone? 

'I apologise,' she said with genuine remorse. 'I didn't think you would notice if I took a quick look. It was wrong of me. We're in a bubble outside time, so if you don't mind I have a few questions?'

He seemed mollified, and inclined his head in gracious acquiescence. 

'I knew Lucifer Morningstar,' she began, 'some time ago. He rescued me from a... bad situation.' Understatement of the millennia. 'He had blond hair and golden eyes, and all the emotional depth of a puddle. But his piano playing could break your heart.'

He cocked his head quizzically. 'Thank you, I think.'

'And he had enough power to will the universe out of existence. He hijacked Naglfar from Valhalla to bring my friends to save me. He was offered his Father's job and refused. Please don't take offense, but there's something very odd here. Lucifer was my uncle, and although I would love for him to come back, I think he's dead.'

Her last sentence seemed to echo in the silence. He rubbed a hand through his hair and looked away. He didn't look surprised, only sad and a little tired. 

'Please,' he said quietly, 'don't tell me any more. 

'I'm sure it's all true. I know a very few things because Maze told me - I swore her to secrecy about the rest. I didn't remember that Dad - that he's gone. If you tell me any more I might lose everything. Please just let me go back.'

'Lucifer,' she tried again gently, 'you were on the way to the Silver City. I don't know how but I think you died.' 

He sat very still, his face ashen. Elaine could feel the darkness roiling inside him, threatening to eclipse those tiny points of light, thrashing taut chains against his self control. Was he worth breaking her code of honour for? The only authority she compelled herself to answer to: do not meddle. 

Yes, he was. Sod it, she wasn't going to let him end like this. Buck up, girl.

'I'll make a deal with you,' she said, choosing her words carefully. 'Whatever happened, I'll fix it. Within reason. In return, tell me as much as you can.'

He pretended to mull, but it was obvious that he was desperate to accept. 'There's a human,' he said. 'She has to be alright after this. Whatever happens to me, make sure she's bloody alright.' 

He was prepared to give up salvation for a human woman? 

'I'll fix this for both of you, on your promise that you tell me everything and - I can't emphasize this enough - tell her nothing. You know, afterwards.'

He leaned forward, earnest and intense. 'You have my word.' 

And just like that, his demons were leashed. Could she, this unknown woman, sense that darkness just under the surface waiting for a provocation to swallow him up?

'I pieced some of this together,' he started, 'after Mazikeen apprised me of the details I sanctioned. 

I awoke on the shore of Los Angeles several years ago, without any memories, and a lot more missing besides. That power you mentioned - I can feel the void where it's supposed to be, but I don't know where I put it. I was a wreck, back then,' he said baldly. 'Tried to fill the void with various hobbies that I'd prefer not to extrapolate on. Turns out I already owned the perfect venue for vice, and I could play every instrument in the place. I could make a crowd of humans do and feel whatever I wanted them to.

'But I still felt numb, like a useless lump of ice. Couldn't get maudlin drunk, couldn't get a euphoric high, couldn't get any emotion out of a shag other than a touch of job satisfaction.'

So much for not sharing the gory details. Thanks, uncle.

'I tried to go down the satisfaction route with fulfilling favours. Tad cliché for my liking but diligently chasing that dragon worked for a while, to a certain extent. Making dreams come true and so on. Then a couple of years ago, poof, breakthrough. Not in a way I'm proud of, but one of my favour-clients was murdered in front of me and I felt...' he trailed off, evidently reflecting. 'I'm pretty sure it was sorrow. Not just for me, that was the big thing. Sorrow on behalf of someone else. So I changed tack. 

'I was going to get justice for her sake. Because some pissant knuckle-dragging window-licker took a trinket in return for stealing her life and leaving her in the gutter. She died in my arms!' he snarled, and he really seemed to be reliving the experience as his eyes blazed.

'That led me to her. To the detective. Around her, I'm vulnerable. I can be shot, I can feel pain, get drunk, get high. Everything a human can do, I can do better!'

God damn.

Lucifer had given up everything that made him who he was, to become one of the creatures he held in contempt. The creatures he waged war on Heaven to protest. The free will that was theirs alone, the tapestry of emotion that only a species shaped by suffering, by holding back the darkness can ever need to experience. 

He'd disappeared in search of something he hadn't found in all his geological ages of existence, and concluded that what he was missing was internal?

No wonder he was reluctant to remember. He didn't want to be that person anymore, the implacable angel so filled with power there was no room for anything else. 

He was gazing at her expectantly. 

'Thank you,' she murmured. 'At least I know what happened to you. To him.' It sounded, even to her own ears, as if she was unhappy. A selfish, childish, human desire for the world not to change, for people to stay as she remembered them. Little wonder he had cautioned against it. She took a breath.

'I'm sorry, that came out wrong. I am happy for you, uncle. It isn't the future I thought you would find, but it's so much better.' Why did she always have to tear up at times like these? Stupid habit.

'Uncle,' he repeated, trying out the word in his mouth as if for the first time. 'Am I that to you?'

She nodded. 'It's a long story. Part of your story, so perhaps...' 

'Thank you. I'll ask if I need to know. Now I do hate to skip out on a date, but do you think you could click those delightful heels of yours and convey me back to Kansas as promised?'

She threw him a comb. 'Make yourself presentable then. One more favour, for me?'

He looked at her askance. 'Mmm?' 

'I want to visit you. Check up on my last living relative occasionally.'

He still looked infuriatingly doubtful, as if she were an overbearing aunt rather than a niece who'd just saved his life. 

'I'll take Maze out drinking.' She waved the carrot of distraction and gave what she hoped was a reassuring grin. 

'Fine.'

....

Humans don't last forever. His final lesson, and its consequences. Chains snapped like brittle elastic bands, and the creatures of the deep broke free.

Lucifer, Archangel of Light, Will of the Demiurge and erstwhile Lord of Hell, filled the universe he had created. He filled it with his entire being the way he had filled it before his fall, aware of each tiny sun in the vast, echoing spaces of his mind and eternal body. Instinct had him reaching beyond the boundaries for Heaven, for the Silver City and he recoiled violently, pummeled by recollection. 

The war to end all wars. Brother against brother. Ignited by fury, by injustice, fighting for his very existence, his right to think and feel and decide.

But as he held his hand still outstretched in freshly remembered horror, he felt warm fingers touch his, pad to pad.

He was toppling again, and she caught him.

Be yourself, until you bleed.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks, if you've persevered with my odd little fic to the bitter end. It's been a while since I read the comics (utterly fantastic by the way, but very different) and I thought there must be a way to reconcile both incarnations. Sketched in an afternoon, not beta read, please be gentle :)


End file.
